| Did evolution begin on Long Island?There is | | | | been known to be extinct for at least seven and a |
| overwhelming evidence suggesting that if you incubate | | | | half billion years. It had no union label.)Then, scientists |
| three dozen worms in a solution of amino acids and | | | | took a worm crawling in the same railroad yard and |
| carbon compounds for approximately one and a half | | | | put it under a powerful electron microscope. And |
| million years they will eventually evolve into the Long | | | | behold, they made an astounding discovery: A worm's |
| Island Railroad. The only problem with this theory is that | | | | cell magnified three billion times has an uncanny |
| if this were true some species of fish would have a | | | | resemblance to a train window (without the shades).It's |
| natural tendency to ride the Long Island Railroad. But | | | | quite obvious that the evidence presented for the |
| fish have never actually been observed commuting | | | | worm-train theory overshadows the somewhat |
| between Long Island and Manhattan.A group of | | | | popular but fanatical notion that trains may have been |
| enterprising archaeologists, however, found the missing | | | | manufactured by intelligent beings. The "intelligent |
| link to this apparent puzzle. Digging through the ruins of | | | | beings" theory would imply a labor union. So far, none |
| an old Long Island Railroad yard, they came across a | | | | of the trains studied showed any traces of major |
| fossil of a fish believed to be extinct for billions of | | | | medical benefits, pension funds, or sick leave. How |
| years. In fact, after taking a radiocarbon reading of the | | | | such a ridiculous theory even got started is hard to |
| fossil and the brown paper bag it was found in, they | | | | imagine. So much for this nonsensical "intelligent beings" |
| confirmed that their find dated back to the "big bang," | | | | theory.By now you must be saying to yourself, "Well, |
| give or take six months. This proves conclusively that | | | | the evidence for the worm-train theory is certainly |
| prehistoric fish did commute via the Long Island | | | | overwhelming. Any idiot can see its scientific validity. |
| Railroad.Now, the question arises, did prehistoric fish | | | | But where did the first worm come from?"HOW IT |
| commute on dry land or did prehistoric trains run | | | | ALL BEGANI'm glad you asked. The theory widely |
| underwater? No one really knows for sure. But, the | | | | accepted by the scientific community and also strongly |
| famous Dr. Imust Beagenius (pronounced I-must | | | | supported by our famous Dr. Imust Beagenius is the |
| Be-a-genius) is grappling with a theory. Dr. Beagenius | | | | "big bait" theory. In the beginning there was a big ball of |
| suggests that prehistoric fish must have travelled on | | | | fishing hooks. Nature found it rather absurd to have so |
| dry land. He points out that extensive laboratory tests | | | | many fishing hooks without worms. In a few short |
| show that railroad tickets are not waterproof.There | | | | billions of years, worms began to materialize around |
| you have it -- a theory which links fish, worms, and the | | | | the hooks. When the first trout started biting, nature |
| Long Island Railroad. It couldn't be more logical.MORE | | | | found it necessary to produce more worms to keep |
| PROOFUnfortunately, not everyone is that easy to | | | | up with the fishing season. And so, worms began |
| please. There are those who, believe it or not, would | | | | materializing on virtually every hook around the globe. |
| demand a more detailed explanation of such a theory, | | | | Then, in the off-season, there were more worms than |
| no matter how logical it sounds. "How do a bunch of | | | | hooks. So, the problem at that point was storing these |
| worms," they would naively ask, "turn into the Long | | | | excess worms. This brought about the invention of the |
| Island Railroad?"In spite of the absurdity of such | | | | can. So, you see, the worm-train evolution began with |
| skepticism, I offer the following evidence which should | | | | the Big Bait. And the Big Bait began with a can of |
| render this theory proven beyond a shadow of a | | | | worms.Theories just don't come any better than |
| doubt.Our archeologist friends went back to the same | | | | this.Josh Greenberger: A computer consultant for over |
| railroad yard and made some more astonishing | | | | two decades, the author has developed software for |
| discoveries. They lined up some of the old cars side | | | | such organizations as NASA's Goddard Institute of |
| by side and noticed how each car was slightly bigger | | | | Space Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell |
| and better developed than the one before it. The car | | | | Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, |
| at one end had a highly sophisticated and powerful air | | | | the author's literary works have appeared in such |
| conditioning system, while the car at the other end had | | | | periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily News, |
| not even a fan. The only trace of air conditioning found | | | | The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and others. His |
| in one underdeveloped car was the fossil of a | | | | articles have ranged from humor to scientific to topical |
| conductor slapping an old woman with his cap to | | | | events. Visit his site: shopndrop. |
| create some air disturbance. (His cap, incidentally, has | | | | |