| Did evolution begin on Long Island?There is | | | | incidentally, has been known to be extinct |
| overwhelming evidence suggesting that if you | | | | for at least seven and a half billion years. |
| incubate three dozen worms in a solution of | | | | It had no union label.)Then, scientists took |
| amino acids and carbon compounds for | | | | a worm crawling in the same railroad yard and |
| approximately one and a half million years | | | | put it under a powerful electron microscope. |
| they will eventually evolve into the Long | | | | And behold, they made an astounding |
| Island Railroad. The only problem with this | | | | discovery: A worm's cell magnified three |
| theory is that if this were true some species | | | | billion times has an uncanny resemblance to a |
| of fish would have a natural tendency to ride | | | | train window (without the shades).It's quite |
| the Long Island Railroad. But fish have never | | | | obvious that the evidence presented for the |
| actually been observed commuting between Long | | | | worm-train theory overshadows the somewhat |
| Island and Manhattan.A group of enterprising | | | | popular but fanatical notion that trains may |
| archaeologists, however, found the missing | | | | have been manufactured by intelligent beings. |
| link to this apparent puzzle. Digging through | | | | The "intelligent beings" theory would imply a |
| the ruins of an old Long Island Railroad | | | | labor union. So far, none of the trains |
| yard, they came across a fossil of a fish | | | | studied showed any traces of major medical |
| believed to be extinct for billions of years. | | | | benefits, pension funds, or sick leave. How |
| In fact, after taking a radiocarbon reading | | | | such a ridiculous theory even got started is |
| of the fossil and the brown paper bag it was | | | | hard to imagine. So much for this nonsensical |
| found in, they confirmed that their find | | | | "intelligent beings" theory.By now you must |
| dated back to the "big bang," give or take | | | | be saying to yourself, "Well, the evidence |
| six months. This proves conclusively that | | | | for the worm-train theory is certainly |
| prehistoric fish did commute via the Long | | | | overwhelming. Any idiot can see its |
| Island Railroad.Now, the question arises, did | | | | scientific validity. But where did the first |
| prehistoric fish commute on dry land or did | | | | worm come from?"HOW IT ALL BEGANI'm glad you |
| prehistoric trains run underwater? No one | | | | asked. The theory widely accepted by the |
| really knows for sure. But, the famous Dr. | | | | scientific community and also strongly |
| Imust Beagenius (pronounced I-must | | | | supported by our famous Dr. Imust Beagenius |
| Be-a-genius) is grappling with a theory. Dr. | | | | is the "big bait" theory. In the beginning |
| Beagenius suggests that prehistoric fish must | | | | there was a big ball of fishing hooks. Nature |
| have travelled on dry land. He points out | | | | found it rather absurd to have so many |
| that extensive laboratory tests show that | | | | fishing hooks without worms. In a few short |
| railroad tickets are not waterproof.There you | | | | billions of years, worms began to materialize |
| have it -- a theory which links fish, worms, | | | | around the hooks. When the first trout |
| and the Long Island Railroad. It couldn't be | | | | started biting, nature found it necessary to |
| more logical.MORE PROOFUnfortunately, not | | | | produce more worms to keep up with the |
| everyone is that easy to please. There are | | | | fishing season. And so, worms began |
| those who, believe it or not, would demand a | | | | materializing on virtually every hook around |
| more detailed explanation of such a theory, | | | | the globe. Then, in the off-season, there |
| no matter how logical it sounds. "How do a | | | | were more worms than hooks. So, the problem |
| bunch of worms," they would naively ask, | | | | at that point was storing these excess worms. |
| "turn into the Long Island Railroad?"In spite | | | | This brought about the invention of the can. |
| of the absurdity of such skepticism, I offer | | | | So, you see, the worm-train evolution began |
| the following evidence which should render | | | | with the Big Bait. And the Big Bait began |
| this theory proven beyond a shadow of a | | | | with a can of worms.Theories just don't come |
| doubt.Our archeologist friends went back to | | | | any better than this.Josh Greenberger: A |
| the same railroad yard and made some more | | | | computer consultant for over two decades, the |
| astonishing discoveries. They lined up some | | | | author has developed software for such |
| of the old cars side by side and noticed how | | | | organizations as NASA's Goddard Institute of |
| each car was slightly bigger and better | | | | Space Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell |
| developed than the one before it. The car at | | | | Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. Since |
| one end had a highly sophisticated and | | | | 1984, the author's literary works have |
| powerful air conditioning system, while the | | | | appeared in such periodicals as The New York |
| car at the other end had not even a fan. The | | | | Post, The Daily News, The Village Voice, The |
| only trace of air conditioning found in one | | | | Jewish Press, and others. His articles have |
| underdeveloped car was the fossil of a | | | | ranged from humor to scientific to topical |
| conductor slapping an old woman with his cap | | | | events. Visit his site: shopndrop. |
| to create some air disturbance. (His cap, | | | | |